


Just The Things I've Hoped Would One Day Be

by dizzy



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: F/M, Future Fic, M/M, Poly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-06-02
Packaged: 2018-01-09 13:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1146774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Darren is thirty-four, he marries his best friend. This is a story about the complexity of happiness and the way sometimes life just doesn't give you easy answers.</p><p>(formerly titled Making Amends)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When Darren is thirty-four, he marries his best friend. She stands beside him in front of the justice of the peace and she repeats the words she's told to stay while she stares him right in the eye. She's amazing, unafraid and the only person in the world willing to look at the wreck his life is and not ignore it but embrace it. 

Julia saves him. She saves him from alcohol, from pills that are given to him too freely, from that other darker stuff that he's lost so many friends before to. She pulls him away from the bright shiny lights of Hollywood and gives him a home where he can find himself. She makes him laugh when he feels like puking, makes him cry with the ease of her truths. She loves him, fully and completely but not perfectly, and she builds him back into the man that she once thought he would become. 

He can't do it on his own. Therapy and sobriety teach him lessons like that. He's fundamentally a person who needs other people and life thrust him into a place where people capitalized on that need and used him and took what they wanted and then tossed him aside. Friends, agents, publicists, directors, girlfriends. He was not a beating, needing heart to them; just a commodity. In his Hollywood days he numbed the pain and ignored the warnings so thoroughly that he's sure he was only steps away from overdose, maybe more than once. 

Even removed from the situation and the bad influences, he finds unhealthy ways to try and escape. It's certainly not always easy for her. That first year there are points where she almost walks away. He leaves her tears more than once but he comes begging back, dropping to her feet and sick with what he's doing with his life. Rock bottom isn't a place he hits once and starts to climb up from. He staggers back and forth to it until he knows he literally can't survive there anymore and then he gives himself over to her. 

It takes a while but he makes it through because of her support. His parents, his brother, and Julia. 

Julia sees the person. She sees the person with cracks in his self-esteem and confidence miles wide, only patched by unending reassurance and praise. He's needier than a child, generous with his money and his kindness and his heart but greedy in his need for attention. She gives him attention and she supports him and then when he's strong enough to start standing on his own two feet she only shows him where it's safe to stand and holds his hands while he looks around in wonder. 

He gets back into acting after a couple years break. He thinks it's the shallow end of the pool but the theater world works muscles he's let atrophy. He becomes the favored child of every director, just like he's always done, and work is steady and fulfilling in ways it's never really been his adult life. 

Chicago is a good place for their little life together. When she gets pregnant, it's not planned but it's not unwelcome, either. they adapt to it better than some couples that actually tried, because this is the kind of project they can both look forward to the outcome of. She likes to brag about how good Darren is even though she's a raging bitch oh hormones; doting when she needs him to be and knows her well enough when to get the hell out of her way. It's nine months of back rubs and foot rubs and surprise presents and arguing over names and decorating the nursery and life has never felt so warm to Darren before. He holds her when she cries and listens to her fears and he falls in love with her all over again through the kid they're waiting on. 

When he watches his baby come into the world, he realizes he isn't afraid and he knows that someone as broken as he is is never fully fixed but he feels as close as he'll ever get and there's genuinely no one else in the world he'd rather share this with than her. Middle age paunch and baby puke on his shirt and his sweet, passionate, capable wife keeping him in line - yeah. This isn't a bad place to be while he meanders toward forty. 

He's not sure he's ever loved anyone in his life the way he loves Julia, like he'd just crawl inside her and in this feeling and stay here forever if it could just be the two - then three - of them. 

But it isn't just the two of them. It never really has been, and that's always been the problem. 

* 

Things with Chris were never easy. 

They were rocky from the start, too many things gone unspoken and too many misunderstandings along the way. They were never even together, not in all the ways that counted, but of all the people he fucked and fell for and drifted away from Chris is the one that never quite leaves the back of his mind. 

Julia knows about Chris. Darren wouldn't keep it from her. 

Julia's knows when the first email from Chris comes. 

He's going to be in Chicago meeting with a new publisher, and he'd like to have dinner with Darren. 

She reads it after he does, but they don't really talk about it then. They go to bed together that night and he sleeps comfortable with her tucked in beside him but his dreams are full of snippets of the past and twisted caricatures of the present. He dreams of Chris holding the baby, of Chris and Julia kissing, of Chris smiling and warm and just the same as he looked at twenty three. 

The next day he spends hours reading everything he can about Chris online. 

He doesn't keep that from Julia, either. 

"What if I saw him?" He asks her. "Would that make you mad?" 

"I don't know," she answers. "Let me think about it, okay?" 

He pulls her close and kisses her forehead. "Okay." 

*

When Julia says she'll think about something, she really does think about it. 

She leaves the baby (not a baby anymore, not really - but still the baby) with her sister a week later. Darren cooks dinner while she catches up on work but when he says the meal is ready she puts her computer away and joins him at the table. 

"My favorite," she says, smiling and taking a bite. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to butter me up for something." 

"Who, me? Never." He feigns innocence. 

She just laughs. "Well, I'll put you out of your misery anyway. I think you should see him." 

"Wow. Really?" Darren's focus is totally on her, unable to quite believe that this is the conclusion she's come to. 

"I want you to go meet him alone, because I think you need to do that without worrying about what I'm thinking. But if it goes well and you want to see him again, I'd like you to bring him here. I think it's important that anyone you let back into your life now knows the stage of life that you're in." 

It's just a Julia thing to say - genuine but also faintly clinical. Darren accepts it, though. He's trusts her perception of situations better than his own, because she doesn't have that same eagerness to take everything at face value. She thinks beyond the moment, and he struggles with that. 

He doesn't rush back to the email. He takes his time with the date night, and then later on with her in bed. But when they're done she sits up and kisses him. "Reprieve is almost over, and I want to grab a bath first." 

"Ooh, a toddler-free bath, you are truly living the life," Darren teases. He's got the post-sex laziness going full on, one hand tucked behind his head and the blankets pushed down to his feet. 

She laughs. "You know you're jealous." 

"Mhmm." He scratches his belly yawns. Maybe a nap... 

But she grabs his tablet and drops it onto the bed beside him. "Go ahead," she says. "Do it now." 

* 

He waits until he heard the water running and picks up the tablet, opening up the email app and finding Chris's message to hit reply.


	2. Chapter 2

It takes about five minutes for Darren to fall back in love with Chris- or maybe just realize that whatever he feels for Chris has never really gone away. 

Chris is older, looks older in person than his photos on the internet belied. His hair is cut shorter and less styled than Darren is used to, his face is lean and his body is trim and he has wire-rimmed glasses on and a plain button up and slacks. He speaks with more confidence but the same bite of humor and his life is fascinating. 

He dominates the conversation in a way he'd never done before. Darren was always the one that talked, the ones whose words never found a cut off point. But over the dinner all Darren wants is to know every detail of everything Chris has done in the time since they've last seen each other. 

"You look better," Chris says, eventually. His eyes are warm and he's smiling and this is good. All of this is so good and electric and exciting and Chris really means it when he looks at Darren like that. 

Until his eyes lower and land on Darren's ring. It's not the first time; he's been looking at it on and off, trying not to stare, since Darren first sat down across from him. 

"I feel better," Darren says. He rubs his thumb over the underside of the ring out of habit and almost to show Chris that it's okay. "She kicked my ass into shape." 

"Yeah." Chris's mouth tightens. "I'm sorry I wasn't there." 

"Hey, you had your own stuff," Darren says. "It's cool. It kind of took someone - you know, outside of all of that." 

"That's a polite way of saying I was far too self-involved," Chris says. 

Darren shrugs. "We were both the products of our environment. So where are you living at now, anyway?" 

"New York, most of the time," Chris says. "I bought a little place in London, too. Had the money after I sold the house in California." 

"Wow, so you're not basing out of there at all anymore?" 

Chris shakes his head. "I don't even like to crash with friends there. If I have to, I stay with my parents and catch a flight in and out of the city." 

"So I know why I left, but what broke you?" Darren asks. 

Chris looks at Darren's wedding ring again, not bothering to hide it quite so well this time, and then says, "You. You leaving." 

There's so, so much behind that and Darren's bravery fails him because he doesn't ask Chris to explain any more. 

* 

Darren walks Chris over to his car. "How long are you in town for?" 

"A week," Chris says. "Well, six days now. I flew in yesterday." 

"Can I see you again?" Darren asks. He remembers Julia's words and he has no intention of doing anything behind her back, but he wants to ease into the _meet my wife and kid_ part. He'll see if Chris says yes, then figure it out from there. 

"Are you sure..." Chris purses his lips and dampens them nervously. "Is that a good idea?" 

Darren shrugs. It's something like masochism but he's always had self-control issues. That was a lot of his problem; dangle something in front of his face and if he wants it he's rarely going to be strong enough to walk away from it. "Your call. But I'd like to." 

"I'll let you know," Chris finally says. He turns to get the car but Darren's sound of protest stops him. He turns back around. "What?"

"Hug?" Darren makes his eyes wide and pokes his lip out. 

Chris laughs in disbelief. "I'm glad to know that no matter how old you are, at heart you're still a five year old." 

He steps into Darren's arms and hugs him back just as tightly as Darren. 

* 

Julia's napping on the couch with the baby tucked in beside her. Darren's had a good night and the sight of the two of them waiting for him just makes his heart swell with even more happiness. 

He pulls his phone out and takes a picture. The sound of the camera app wakes her up. She frowns at him grumpily. "Delete that. I look awful." 

"You look gorgeous," Darren says, dropping his phone onto the table and clambering behind her on the couch even though there isn't really room. He snuggles into her from behind and kisses the back of her neck. "Hi." 

She tilts her head back against him and reaches for his hand to get his arm around her. "You came back." 

"Were you afraid I wouldn't?" He asks, a little dumbfounded. 

"No, not... not really, just..." She sighs. "I don't know. I didn't know what I was really sending you off to. Once you left, I got a little irrational. But you're back." 

"I'm back. You don't get rid of me that easily." Darren kisses the curve of her neck now, skin warm from sleep. 

She yawns and the baby wiggles a little beside her. "Did you get what you needed?" 

"Yeah, I guess." She smells good - like her body wash and baby powder. Darren starts to feel drowsy himself. "He's here for a week." 

"You want to see him again?" She asks. "Bring him here?"

"Yeah, I do. I don't know if he'll want to, but I'm gonna ask." He closes his eyes and just rests there against her for a moment. "Go get in bed, baby. I'll put monkey to sleep." 

"Mm. Love you," she mumbles, smiling and letting Darren kiss her briefly when he scoops the baby up in his arms. 

*

The baby wakes up in transit and between the diaper change and a story and the requisite daddy-daughter cuddles, it's another half hour before Darren actually gets into the bedroom himself. 

Julia's fast asleep, turned inward toward his side of the bed. He hair is pulled back in a ponytail and she's wearing a Michigan t-shirt and panties that he can just see the edge of when he pushes the covers down to get in beside her. 

He reaches out and cups her cheek. "You're beautiful."

"Too sleepy for sex," she whispers, eyes not even opening. "Go to bed." 

"Hey, I wasn't..." He kind of was.

She smiles a tiny bit but doesn't budge. "Bed." 

"Fine. Night." He smiles and closes his eyes and goes to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Chris comes for dinner and it's every bit as awkward as Darren feared it would be. 

Chris and Julia circle each other warily. It's all surface politeness, small talk, sizing each other up. Darren knows how Julia can get. She's pushy and domineering and it's good to him, it's kind of the kick in the ass he needs, but Chris is just enough of the same to be rubbed the wrong way by it. 

Julia's also marking her territory and Darren wishes he didn't find it as hot as he did. Chris's presence is a distraction, but it really sort of just makes it hotter. She sits close to him and puts her hand on his arm and makes a couple of inside jokes, not enough to really register as blatant rudeness but enough to demonstrate how comfortable and entwined their lives are. 

At some point, she starts to back off. Maybe she feels like she's made her point. Maybe she's just decided with Chris she doesn't really need to. Darren could no more dissect what goes on in her mind as he could pilot a spacecraft. Both are infinitely complicated matters well beyond his skillset and he's not afraid to admit it. 

Chris is quieter through the evening, doing more observing than participating. Darren draws him into conversation and remembers how much he loves to make Chris laugh through it. 

Julia laughs some, too. There are a few moments - when they talk about movies and books, they realize a few friends in common; publishers, one of the branches of entertainment that Darren is happy sitting back and letting pass him by. 

"Are you going to see one of Darren's shows while you're here?" Julia asks, toward the end of the evening. "You should. He's on Thursday night." 

"Oh, um." Chris looks over at Darren. "Did you want me to?" 

"He does," Julia answers, sipping her wine. "He'll make sure there's a ticket waiting for you. Maybe you two can get dinner afterward." 

"You won't be there?" Chris asks, surprised. 

Julia shakes her head. "Monkey gets too fussy. I take her to weekend matinees sometimes, but she'd never make it through a night show." 

"Where is she?" Chris asks, glancing around. 

Darren looks at the room and tries to picture what Chris is seeing. It's decorated cozily, but it's also well lived in. There's a toy box with one floppy rabbit ear sticking out of it, a little table and chair set with a coloring book, a pair of little sneakers. 

"Babysitter," Julia says. "But really, you two should go out again while you're still here. Catch up without me." 

Chris looks uncomfortable. "I guess." 

"You can let me know whenever," Darren says. "It's cool. Or you don't even have to let me know. I'll make sure you have a ticket either way." 

Chris smiles. "Thanks." 

*

"I'm gonna go pick Monkey up, okay?" Julia asks, getting to her feet. 

Darren stands too, just out of habit. "She's not being dropped off?" 

Julia shakes her head. "I thought you'd want to spend a little time with Chris, so I said I'd pick her up." She leans up and kisses him briefly, hand on his cheek. While her mouth is close she whispers, "Be good." 

He follows her out. "I don't even know what is going on here." 

"Don't overthink it," she says, not quite laughing but not looking upset. "It's fine, sweetie. Just - remember what I said. Be good." 

* 

When the door closes behind her, Darren turns back to Chris. "So. Wishing you hadn't come now?" 

"No," Chris says, surprising Darren by how much he sounds like he means it. "It's really nice to know what kind of life you have here. I was worried... for a while. I knew you got out of California, but I didn't really know if here was that much better or if you just found a place where not so many cameras followed you." 

There's something in Chris's voice that makes Darren wonder if Chris isn't describing his own situation as much as he is what he imagined Darren's to be. "That how New York is for you?" 

Chris shrugs. "It can be, but I like it there most of the time." 

"You know, I'm there a few times a year." Darren sits back down at the end of the couch closest to the chair Chris is in. He picks up Julia's wine glass, since it's still half full and his own is empty. He limits everything now that he knows how easy it is to lose that grasp on control, but he's past the pointing of needing to cut stuff out completely. On a date night in they'll split a bottle and he's not even tempted to open a second one. 

"What for? Business?" Chris asks. 

"Recording, sometimes... I put out my own stuff here in Chicago, you know, my little hippie indie label thing. But sometimes I'll show up on other people's tracks, or I hit the big town to do a little press. Nothing too wild, but got mouths to feel and all, you know." 

"Right." Chris doesn't sound like he really knows at all. "So - I have to ask." 

"Oh yeah?" Darren leans forward, propping his elbow on the arm of the couch and staring at Chris. 

"Monkey. You called her that, and so did Julia. Please tell me you didn't go the crazy Hollywood naming route. Please," Chris stresses. 

Darren laughs. "Oh fuck no. No, shit. I mean, we both call her that so much she probably thinks it's her name, but - Sara, Sarina." 

"Like your mom?" Chris asks. 

"Spelled differently, but yeah." Darren smiles fondly. 

"I bet you're a great dad," Chris says. 

Darren shrugs. "I try. I mean - I really try. Because once you have a kid actually relying on you, that kind of responsibility is like - it's fucking everything. Like it's all on you to not fuck this little human up. You're the one that's gonna give her all of the issues she grows up with, the things she's gonna cry to her therapist about. It's all about trying to minimize that damage and just love the fuck out of her and try to grow her up into the best person you can make her into." 

"She's your daughter," Chris says softly. "I bet she's going to be amazing." 

"If she takes after me she'll be wild and aimless, so I'm counting on Juls contributing a lot to that gene pool. Like intelligence and motivation and responsibility. Knowing when you've had enough." 

"You knew, though," Chris points out. "You walked away." 

"Way, way too late." Darren stares at Chris and Chris stares right back. 

"It's getting late," Chris finally says. "I should go before she gets back." 

"Don't want to meet the monkey?" Darren asks. 

Chris shakes his head. "I'm not really a kid person." 

"You used to want kids," Darren says, before he can stop himself. 

Chris shrugs and gets to his feet. "I used to want a lot of things that I can't imagine having now."


	4. Chapter 4

Darren has this problem, ever since he got sober, where he gets nervous before shows. 

It's still nothing like the stage fright he sees some people with but there are times when he looks to the stage entrance and thinks, _this'll be the night I fuck it all up again_. It's not even the same kind of stage but that little naysayer in the back of his mind doesn't care. 

Before, it was some shitty awards show, a lot of celebrities in overpriced clothes sniffing each other's farts until the scent of ego and money saturated the entire room. But it was what he was used to, back them. Wasn't even like he noticed the other people - too busy doing blow in the dressing room. 

Someone tried to stop him. He remembers that, but he doesn't remember who. He just remembers being pissed off, because fuck, who did they think he was? He could pull off anything, he was the fucking star of the show, he'd never fucked up a job before. Didn't matter how high he was, he could still come through it all sparkling. 

Until the night he couldn't, and he'd made a fool of himself on national television and in all the headlines for all those weeks after. Then he'd tucked his tail and ran so far and fast, right off the map for as long as he could go unnoticed. It took him a while to even want to be near a stage again but performing is in his blood. 

_This night is not that night_ , Darren tells himself, his little mantra into the mirror, but it's hitting him harder than it normally does. 

Chris is in the audience tonight. 

Chris was in the audience that night, too. 

*

He calls Julia just before he goes on. 

"Hey, hon," she says. Darren closes his eyes and listens to the background noise of their home. He can hear Sara chattering in her toddler talk. She never shuts up. Definitely gets that from him. The fridge is making that weird buzzing noise, he should check that out. (Or pay someone to check that out.) Water running. "Darren?" 

"Hey," Darren says, sounding breathless though he has no reason to be. "He's here." 

"Good," she says. "That's good." 

"Is it?" He's waiting for her to say something that makes him feel better. 

She doesn't, really. "You say his name in your sleep sometimes. It took me a while to realize what you were even talking about, and then I thought, no way. That's like something out of a bad movie. But - you do." 

"Shit. You never said anything." 

"Sometimes you say my name, too. Or you talk to Monkey, or your parents. Once in a while, Alan Menken..." 

Darren laughs. There it is. "Yeah, sorry, I was gonna get around to telling you about my affair with him one of these days." 

"Threesome. That's all I ask. A threesome," Julia says. 

"Well, he is a silver fox." Darren stops when someone grabs his arm and points to their wrist, miming the time. "Yeah, okay, gotta go do this thing." 

"Break a leg," Julia says. "Call me after if you want." 

"Do I have a curfew?" 

"Just call if you'll be too late. I love you, and remember, be good." 

"Love you, too. Tell Monkey I'll read her extra stories tomorrow night." As Darren hangs up the phone he thinks to himself that one day soon he really needs to ask her to define what _being good_ actually means to her. 

*

There's a little bar some of the cast goes to after shows to unwind. 

Darren usually skips to head home, but tonight he brings Chris. He thinks Chris will like the theater people, and he's right. He's just the perfect blend of intellectual and sarcastic and worldly, with enough experience for the other guys to be a little bit in awe. 

A couple of drinks soothes the nerves and the other people are enough of a buffer. The minutes tick by and the more they drink the more it devolves into Chris and Darren passing stories back and forth, lost in their own little world. 

* 

They're not stumbling drunk by the time they leave but they aren't exactly walking a straight line, either. A weird little vision pops into his head; fictional Kurt and fictional Blaine leaving a fictional little gay bar. "Do you ever miss the show?" 

Chris shrugs. "Is it bad if I say no? Everyone always expects me to say yes, but..." 

By the end, Chris was done. Darren knows it, pretty much everyone else had, too. 

"I miss it," Darren announces. "I miss how fun life was then." 

"Do you? Do you really, now?" Chris asks dryly. "Isn't too much fun what got you in trouble?" 

"Yeah, but that was later, you know? All that was way after the show. While we were still doing Glee - sometimes I think about like, that tour and all, those were good times." 

"The tour was fun," Chris admits, even smiling a little. 

"You boys need a cab?" The doorman asks. He's not quite young enough or buff enough to be a bouncer, but this isn't the kind of place that would need one, anyway. 

"Hey, Roger. That'd be great, man." 

"Two, or just the one?" Roger asks. 

"One's good." Darren answers.

He tells himself that it's only because Chris's hotel isn't too far away, right up until Chris asks him to come in for a nightcap. 

* 

He sprawls out on Chris's hotel room bed, listening to the sound of Chris washing his hands in the bathroom. 

"You make me feel like a different person again," Darren says out loud. His eyes are closed to stop the room from spinning. 

One drink turned into four more. He hasn't had this much in a long time. 

"You feel like a different person to me," Chris says, his voice coming closer. The bed dips as he sits on it. "Are you really happy?" 

"I am really happy," Darren says. 

"I didn't think you would be. Happy. I don't know what I thought." 

"I guess you were just thinking - the last few times before this - I mean, that's what you remembered. And I wasn't happy then. But I love it here. I love Juls. I love our kid." 

"You keep saying that." Chris sounds unexpectedly choked up. "I get it, okay?" 

" _Hey_ ," Darren says sharply, rolling over onto his side. "I can love a lot of people. There's a lot of room in me for love." 

From this close up Darren can see the lines along Chris's eyes and the way the shape of his face has given in to a little bit of chubbiness again. He can see the cute little upturn of Chris's nose, bright red at the moment, and the bow of his lips. 

"You should go home. Isn't your wife wondering where you are?" 

"She knows where I am," Darren says. "Come on. Give her some credit." 

"You are so confusing. Why did I think this was a good idea?" Chris asks. 

Darren laughs. "Man. Life is confusing, come on. Nothing works out that easy. You think what I got now, any of this was easy?" 

Chris looks over at him. "Kissing you right now would be easy." 

"Yeah, it would," Darren agrees, heart racing a little. 

_Be good._ But, she had to know, right? 

Chris looks away. "You should kiss me." 

Fuck. "I..." That one's unexpectedly hard. 

"You can't. Because it feels wrong?" 

Before this moment he'd have argued that there isn't much difference in kissing and being kissed if both people want it, but suddenly the difference is huge. "I need to talk to Julia," Darren says, rubbing his hand over his face. "I need to... before we do this." 

Chris snorts. "You need permission from your wife before you cheat on her." 

"Fuck you," Darren says, not so kindly this time. "If you think that's all this would be-" 

"I don't know anything about what this is or what it would be. I'd love for someone to tell me, though." Chris sighs. 

Darren sits up. "I really am gonna go. I don't - it's late. And this is just gonna... you and me, this isn't gonna get any less confusing. It'll just..." 

"Hurt more," Chris says. 

"I don't want to hurt you." Darren reaches out and grabs Chris's hand. "I'm sorry for all the times I did." 

"I'm sorry, too." Chris looks at him, their fingers tightly locked together. 

Darren leans down and kisses him - not the kiss Chris wanted, or the one Darren wanted to give him, but all he can at the moment.


	5. Chapter 5

Darren gets back home that night, and finds Julia asleep in their bed. It's obvious she hadn't tried to wait up, but she's a light sleeper. She wakes up when he gets in, rolling toward him. 

"Have a good night?" She asks, voice sleepy. 

"Confusing night," Darren says. His mind is still racing and he can't shut it off. "I kissed him." 

Julia's voice is carefully neutral. "I thought you might. Anything else?"

Darren shakes his head. "I felt weird about it. I told him I needed to talk to you. And I'd had a few drinks, I mean... more than I should have." 

Julia reaches out and puts her fingers in his hair, tugging a little at his curls in that way he loves. It would make him drowsy if he weren't still feeling high-strung from the night. "You seem sober now. Did you do anything else I should know about?" 

"No. But I wanted to. Does that count?" He scoots in closer and rests his head on her shoulder. "I don't get why you're letting me do this." 

"Sometimes I don't either," Julia admits. "I think if I try to keep you from him, I'll lose you." 

"You're not gonna lose me," Darren promises. He means it. He doesn't know a lot in life, but he knows that he's not dumb enough to let her go again. "Besides, he's leaving town in a couple days. I probably won't even hear from him again." 

* 

Darren's right. He doesn't hear from Chris again before Chris leaves Chicago, and it hurts but Darren has a life and it's a pretty full one. He mopes around for a couple weeks, loses some sleep but doesn't lose his focus. 

His play ends and he takes a break to consider his options before he signs onto something new. He writes some music, a few songs for himself and a few he shops around. Julia gets a new directing gig, a touring show that leaves him with full time dad duties for a couple months. 

Darren has enough money left that he can afford to fly to wherever she is every weekend but five days a week he's on full time dad duty. He loves it. He's the most popular dad at the park, he takes her to her play group and all the mothers are effortlessly charmed, he reads all the stories and makes up new ones when she demands more. 

And then the offer comes. Three days of recording and a fat paycheck for it. 

"What do you think?" Darren asks Julia, on the phone with her while he slaps together a gourmet lunch of carrot sticks and yogurt. "I could ask my mom to fly in and babysit, or take her to your folks." 

But Darren already feels wistful at the idea of leaving her without either of her them, even for half a week. He's never wanted them to be that couple, the parents so wrapped up in work that their kid is abandoned. It doesn't even matter that she won't remember it - he will. 

"You can take her if you want to," Julia says. "She's been on a plane before, and that's a short flight."

Darren's actually excited about it. He books the flights and sets up times in the recording studio for the tracks he'll be laying down and has a half dozen places that are perfect for both a toddler's attention span and for his own to take her when he's not working. 

And if this gives him a perfect excuse not to try and look Chris up - well, Chris said he wasn't a kid person anyway, right? 

*

At least it would have been a perfect excuse, but two days before the trip Sara has a temperature of 101 and can't keep anything down. 

Darren sits in the doctor's office with her sleeping pitifully on his lap, her hair pulled back in a messy signature daddy-did-it ponytail and her skin flushed red. He's on the phone with Julia. "You really expect me to go anyway?" 

"Yes, Darren, I really do," Julia says. She sounds tired. Long hours, exhausting travel schedule. She's not in the mood to put up with any attitude but Darren's feeling the strain, too. "If you try and back out now they'll get you for breaking your contract, and we really don't need that extra expense." 

Julia's the one that keeps up with their finances. All Darren really needs to know is that they're still doing okay. He gets royalties from all the old music and tv episodes, pretty decent checks that show up every now and then, so he doesn't bother with the details. Julia's got it all under control. 

"We can handle that," he argues, though he's never been much good at winning fights against her. "What if this is serious?" 

"Darren, listen to me. My parents can take care of her just fine, I promise." And that statement, in that tone, seals the trip for Darren. 

* 

The night before he leaves Darren tucks his daughter's tiny body in beside him. "Daddy's going away for a few days. That okay?" 

"Uh huh," she says, sleepy but fighting it like she always does. 

"You're gonna stay with Gramma." Darren rests his forehead against her hair, breathing in the sweet little girl scent. "Gonna have lots of fun, and Daddy will be back to get you before weekend so we can go visit your mom." 

"Yay!" She gives him a toothy grin. 

She's such a happy baby. Nothing gets her down for long. Darren rubs his cheek against the top of her head and smiles. Yeah, this is what it's all about, right here. 

There are countless doors he could have opened, paths he could have walked through in his life. If he'd played his cards just a little differently he might be walking red carpets with his name on everyone's lips. He might be shacked up in a swanky New York apartment with a husband and two cats. He might be the king of Broadway, raking in the Tony's. Or he might be dead on a streetcorner, a distant memory people stop and frown about once in a while. 

Of all the ways things could have gone... well, Darren's got a lot of regrets but he also has to respect what brought him to exactly the moment he's in right now, because this moment isn't so bad.


	6. Chapter 6

It takes Darren six hours and one walk through Central Park before he's picking up his phone. 

Chris doesn't answer the first time, but he calls back. 

"Hey," Darren says. "Um, I'm in town, I thought maybe we could... dinner?"

And that's really all it takes. 

* 

They do have dinner. 

They have dinner and it's different from the start, from the very second that they lay eyes on each other. 

There's no home to go back to. There's no wife to find in his bed. There's just a hotel room and a boy he loves beyond what he'd ever known his capacity to love was and a chance to feel something he's tried so hard to forget feeling. 

Darren's always had this little problem with denying himself things he wants. It led him down so many bad roads but right now it only takes him to one place - to Chris. 

So when Chris says, "Do you want to come back to my place? Catch up some more?" all Darren can do is nod and follow. 

* 

Chris is different here, too. 

He's in his home turf. He's comfortable and confident in a way he wasn't before. Darren can see now how New York fits him. He moves a little faster but with a little more ease. His place is small but it's cozy. There's a cat that Darren's never seen before - Lucy, Chris tells him. She's black with white feet and big green eyes and she hisses at him when he tries to come too close. 

"She's not a people person," Chris says, grinning like he enjoys it. 

"Okay then, Miss Lucy. Message received. Loud and clear. You stay over there and I'll just... not be over there." Darren salutes her. 

Chris laughs. "You want a drink?" 

"Uh, water is good. Or tea if you have it?" Darren might be stupid but he's not stupid enough to repeat what happened last time. 

"Tea, sure thing. Come on, we can start the tour with the kitchen." He walks through an open doorway and Darren walks behind him. The kitchen is small and cozy too, fridge crammed full of takeout boxes from the glimpse Darren gets as Chris pulls out the milk, mismatched coffee mugs on the counter, a kettle on the back burner of the stove top.

It's not a new looking place but it's... well, it's exactly what Darren imagines of Chris, it's clean and sparse but what is there looks appreciated. 

"I don't have many people over," Chris says, glancing Darren's way. He doesn't offer it with any kind of qualification or further commentary, just drops the information there for Darren to take in. 

"I'm honored," Darren says. 

There's a little quirk to Chris's lips that hints at a smile without giving over to it fully. "Well, you should be." 

* 

Tea turns into catching up, sitting close on the little loveseat sofa, not a drop of liquor between them but the air itself intoxicating. 

One kiss wasn't enough, it's never been enough. The point in the evening comes where there's a pause and the easy out. He could get up, walk away. Grab a cab and go back to his hotel room alone. Skype with the Monkey for a few minutes, call Julia. Maybe if he's really lucky she'd be awake enough for phone sex. 

It's not an unappealing option, not by any means. But Chris right here in front of him is electric and he doesn't want to move from the spot, he just wants to stay rooted there. So the moment passes and when their mouths meet that first time it seems like it was inevitable from the very start. 

* 

There's sex. 

It's been a while since Darren's been with a guy. It's been longer since he's been with Chris. They've both changed, both aged, but there's no comparison. His hands don't remember with any kind of precision exactly what Chris used to feel like. It's all washed with a sense of newness, save little tidbits that flit back into his mind. He laughs when he rediscovers the things Chis likes best, and he wonders if himself of ten years past had really satisfied as much in bed as he'd always thought so smugly to himself. 

He satisfies now, he thinks; he's more honest with himself, less built up with ego and unearned confidence. He stops and asks, pays attention, cares more about more than getting off. 

And Chris is... he's good, fuck, is he good. His body is long and lean and he puts in hours at the gym that Darren doesn't but he also doesn't seem to mind the softness around Darren's belly or the gray that creeps into his hair, along his temples and in his beard and his pubes. 

Chris lays him out and wrecks him, completely in charge from start to finish. The sex amounts to a little frottage and Chris blowing him. Darren wants to return the favor but Chris just seems to want a hand, just for now. Maybe he doesn't want to overwhelm Darren. It wouldn't; Darren's mouth waters for it but this is good, too, jacking Chris until his wrist aches and Chris finally gives a loud groan and an all over shiver and comes. 

They're both breathing hard after, as much as they should be but maybe not only for that reason. Chris looks unsure for the first time when he looks over at Darren. "Everything you thought it would be?" 

Darren shakes his head while he speaks contradictory words. "Yeah, but it wasn't the sex I wanted. Just want you, okay?" 

Their mouths press wet and slanted against each other. Chris's breath hitches and when Darren pulls back he follows a little bit greedy and desperate. 

He knows exactly what to do, what he wants, what Chris wants from him. Memories in his mind have faded but his body still gets what it likes. "I want you too," Chris whispers. "How long can I have you?" 

Darren closes his eyes, their forehead touching. "I'm in New York for the rest of the week." 

"And while you're here?" Chris asks, fingers curling against the back of Darren's neck. 

Darren breathes out. It hurts and feels like a wonderful release of tension at the same time. "I'm yours."


	7. Chapter 7

Darren wakes up the next morning and it feels like he's lived a different life. He plays out a little movie in his head: what if this was his every day, what if this is who he woke up beside. Just a backdrop of busy city noise and Chris snoring a little. No giggly little laughter, no smell of breakfast, no warm sweet wife. 

It hurts to think but it feels good in a way too and that it feels good just makes the hurt even worse. He turns onto his side and clings a little, unashamedly, because he's learned that sometimes in life you just have to cling. 

But he can tell Chris wants a little space by the way Chris shifts out of his grasp after only a few seconds. "Gonna shower," Chris mutters, and he retreats hard and fast behind a closed door. 

Darren sighs and rubs fingers through his hair. He hopes Chris isn't having regrets, because he isn't. Darren doesn't feel like he's made a mistake. Chris doesn't feel wrong, nothing about the previous night felt like something he shouldn't have been doing.

Ignoring that things have consequences was another downfall of his. 

* 

When Chris comes out of the shower he seems... better. 

Smiling. Assured again. The little cracks he hadn't been quick enough to hide that morning are plastered clean away and he crawls back in bed with Darren and gathers him up and they kill a pleasant hour recreating some fond moments from just the night before. 

"I have to go," he says, once he's washed the sweat from his own body and dressed in the night before's clothes. "Have to head back to my hotel room and get changed and then book it to the studio. I'll probably still be late." 

"Sorry." Chris doesn't sound sorry at all, lounging in just his underwear still. "I'm accustomed to the life of a writer. Deadlines comes in weeks, not hours." 

"Jealous." Darren lingers by the couch. "Goodbye kiss?" 

Chris smiles indulgently and then kisses him even more indulgently. "Come back later?" 

"Mm, yeah?" Darren's eyes are half shut, breathing the moment in. 

Chris's mouth presses to his once more, firm and slightly parted. "Bring your stuff." 

* 

He calls Julia from his hotel room. 

"Hey," he says, skipping the pre-amble. "I saw Chris." 

He can't figure out how to say the rest, but luckily they have that weird ESP thing still going on. She saves him the trouble. "Are you okay?" 

"Yeah. I think... I mean. I am, if we are." This is the scariest that it gets. 

"As long as you're coming home at the end of the week," she says. There's so much in her voice and he wishes they were face to face, just for this conversation. "As long as you're still doing that, we're okay." 

"I swear," he says. "I'll be there Friday night." 

"You better," she whispers. "I love you." 

"Love you so much, Juls. You're my other half, you're my whole heart." 

"You're so cheesy. Stop before you burst into song." She's says it in that voice she uses when she's smiling and Darren feels so much better for it. If she's smiling, then they're okay. 

*

The days just fall into place like that, inseparable save the couple of other obligations Darren has to hang out with friends he doesn't see that often. Chris has that bleary-eyed look of someone who has been in front of a computer all day when Darren gets in, but once Darren's there he doesn't pull the laptop out again. They fuck and order take out, take walks down to the coffee shop, make out in the back of a theater. 

He talks to Julia every day, but only times when Chris isn't around. 

The one exception is Skyping with Sara after she has a bad dream. He apologizes to Chris. Chris says it's fine, but he looks uncomfortable and excuses himself to make something for them to eat while Darren talks to his daughter. 

She's sleepy and the call is short and when it's over he finds Chris in the kitchen and walks up behind him, arms around Chris's waist. A few kisses and a sweet moment of just holding each other and humming and Darren feels like it's back on track, if it was off to begin with. He's not willing to tempt fate enough to ask. 

The days that follow are more of the same. Chris shows him a few favored spots but the most favored of them all seem to be his bed, when Darren's in it. Thursday there's a scheduling mix up, a double-booked studio and Darren doesn't have to go anywhere at all. They don't leave the apartment on Thursday, eating pizza straight out of the box in their underwear. 

It's the life of a bachelor and a newlywed all in one, and Darren wishes he didn't love it so much. 

* 

Friday isn't somber in the least. 

Chris takes Darren out for breakfast, and waits in the neighborhood while Darren finishes up in the studio. It's mid-afternoon when Darren breaks free, and his flight out isn't until almost nine pm. He'd scheduled in room in case recording went late but it's a breeze - in no small part to Darren's new found motivation for buckling down and getting it done. 

Afterward they walk together to Chris's favorite little dinner spot nearby. They hold hands but keep a pace brisk enough to not upset the locals. Darren tries to do what he does every time he's in the city and catalogue his favorite parts to take back home in memory, but somehow this time he just keeps circling back around to Chris. 

They don't actually talk much, but when they do it's light - it's fun, it's comfortable. It's insane to Darren how quickly they've slipped back into place, into this zone of just being so compatible. 

"Do you know when you'll be back?" Chris asks just before the waiter brings the check. 

"No," Darren admits. "Do you know when you'll be back in Chicago?" 

Chris doesn't look quite as thrilled by that idea. 

"Hey." Darren grabs his hand. "I can figure something out, you know. I get offers all the time. I turn a lot of them down, but... you know. I might take the reason to come back more often. Or, fuck it. Maybe I won't even need a reason." 

Chris smiles a little. "I'll think about Chicago." 

Neither of them really think he will, but Darren appreciates the gesture either way. 

* 

On the flight back to Chicago Darren sits with his laptop open, his background a picture of Julia holding their daughter, and his phone in his hand open to a photo of Chris.


	8. Chapter 8

Darren is sitting on the edge of the bed when Julia wakes up, strumming his guitar. 

She rolls over and opens her eyes and he smiles down at her. "Sing," she says, hands flat together and tucked under her cheek. 

She's told him before, again and again - she loves to wake to serenades. She says she has the best dreams when she's fading in and out of sleep and hearing his voice. 

So he opens his mouth and the song comes out, the one he's been playing at, the one that's been stuck in his head and impossible to shake loose. "I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with a long lost friend... I'm in love, I'm in love, and I can't say where and I don't know when but she will be mine... in time..." 

This morning her eyes open and she looks at him as she sings, but there's a sharp awareness that doesn't speak of happy dreams. The words curdle on his tongue as he realizes exactly what kind of intent she could be drawing, though it's not at all a conscious effort on his part. 

So he changes the song, readjusts his fingers and looks right at her and holds nothing back. "Pick me up, shake me out, hang me on the line... I'm a fool for you... I looked up, saw you smile, and then I saw your eyes... I'm in love with you..." 

She laughs and says, "Better." 

* 

Julia's tour is over and Darren's logged enough paying hours to think he's earned himself a break - though really, he's never needed much of an excuse to allow himself that. It's a week of quiet mornings in, hitting every park in town, watching enough Disney that Julia threatens to actually get rid of the tv. 

It's a week of stolen moments during afternoon naps, quick and laugh-filled sex, making out like teenagers. Darren has her against the wall kissing her neck whispering, "missed you, missed you, missed you," even though he's been back for a couple days now because it's true. 

It's true and it's good and it's family and it's what Darren loves about life, but deep down he also has to admit that it's good because it helps him forget that other person he's missing now. 

* 

"Daddy, what's that?" Sara asks. 

It's her favorite question. _What_ and _why_ and _but, daddy, how?_ in that sassy little voice like she thinks the world is playing a trick on her because if she can't comprehend it in her tiny little mind it must be the world's fault. 

She already thinks she has all the answers, and she definitely didn't get that from Darren but he loves it and he loves being the one holding her hand while she learns the world around her. The _that_ in question this time is a typewriter in the window of a little antique shop. It's rusted in spots and missing a couple of keys, put out for display more for the nostalgia of it than functionality. "That's something people used to write before computers?" 

Before computers is not a concept that comes easily to her. He takes her in the shop, scooping her up in his arms so she can't wander off and knock anything over, and explains to her what things do and lets her ramble and make up her own little stories when reality is just too boring. 

They stop in front of a little display of old dolls. Her eyes grow huge and she points to one with big delicate blue eyes and blonde hair. "Daddy, can I? Can I can I can I can I?" 

"Can you what?" Darren asks, though she obviously wants the doll. 

"Can I have her daddy? Her name is Katrina and she wants to come home with me." 

"Did she tell you that?" Darren asks. "Because I'm not sure about bringing talking dolls home with us. I was born in the eighties, I've seen that movie. It didn't work out too well for that kid." 

But she drives a hard bargain and they're on their way to the register with the doll in hand when something else catches Darren's eyes. It's a faded fairytale anthology, vines stamped into the cover in silvery green and winding all around the spine and onto the back. There's a young girl in an old fashioned dress with her face twisted in horror at something hiding in the vines. 

The price tag hanging off the side shows that it's just this side of too extravagant for a _thinking of you_ gift, but Darren picks it up anyway. He doesn't even know if Chris is into the fairytale thing anymore. He dabbles more in adult horror now, as far as Darren can tell, psychological stories and warped romance and gritty realistic things that end about as abruptly as real life. 

But it still reminds him of Chris and he can't seem to put it back down. 

"For Mommy?" Sara asks. They're waiting on Julia now, waiting while she has lunch with a friend down the street. 

"No," Darren says. "For a friend of Daddy's. But that's a great idea, we should totally get Mom something. What do you think she'd like?" 

They wander around and around and around the store until Sara finally decides on a cast iron trinket box, with a little input from Darren. (Left to her own devices apparently an appropriate gift would be a tin sign advertising five cent soda pop.) 

"Perfect," Darren says, heading to the front of the store again. "Why don't we take these down to the car, and then I think... ice cream?" 

"Ice cream!" She shrieks, bouncing in his arms. 

* 

Darren doesn't mail the book off to Chris for another week, a mixture of nerves and actual forgetfulness. 

He hasn't heard from Chris at all since leaving New York, but he's not surprised. He hasn't really tried, either, so it's not like it's all on Chris. Darren knows he's perfectly capable of picking up the phone or starting a new email but somehow what he and Chris did together, that week - it's a lot scarier to Darren now that he's home. 

He boxes it up without a note and a little part of him hopes that Chris doesn't realize who it's from, but three days later there's a message in his inbox. 

 

To: Darren Criss  
From: C. Colfer  
Subject: Hint or just a throwback?

Because if it was, I'm not sure what you're getting at. 

I'm assuming that was from you, at least. If I'm wrong... well, just disregard this. 

Also, hi. 

-C. 

 

Darren doesn't answer it right away, because he's not sure what to say. He closes the email and goes about his day but every time he thinks of it sitting there just waiting, a connection to Chris and a reminder that Chris must be thinking of him, he smiles to himself.


	9. Chapter 9

The first email from Chris brings nerves and adrenaline and a heady sense of stepping into the unknown. Chris has always been tumultuous ground for Darren, something he wanted but never got the hang of. Over the next three months, something is cobbled together. Something not at all like what they had before, something not at all like their awkward dance in Chicago or the surreal week in New York. 

Three months of emails, skype chats, phone calls. Three months of learning each other's lives through details in unsteady bursts of communication that smooths into something like a daily habit. Days and weeks bleeding together until Darren is leaning things on a natural kind of curve. 

They don't talk about sex, they don't talk about love or romance. Chris doesn't talk about dating, though Darren wonders. Darren talks about his family but in passing, unobtrusively. What happens is just this: Chris stops being a mystery. Chris stops being that looming question mark over Darren's life and letting go of that changes Darren in ways he's floored by. 

He's forced to admit, eventually, that the Chris living in his head might have never really been the Chris that actually existed at all. Chris reveals so much more in writing than he ever gives away in person. This Chris is more cutting and insecure than Darren ever knew. Before, Darren always thought success just kind of came to Chris. Now Darren seems how much Chris kills himself before it. Before, Darren always thought Chris was so far past those days of being bulled and pushed around. Now Darren knows he mostly is but he still gets a little maudlin when he talks about his parents and going back home. 

Darren wonders how much of it is changed in the years since they were something and how much was there all along, but Darren was just too busy making Chris into something else in his head to even see it. 

*

Summer turns into fall and fall into a Chicago winter. 

There's a birthday party for a little girl, another play opens and closes, a family vacation to Disney World. Memories to file away in his mind like scrapbook pages. 

"I broke the news to my parents about Christmas," Julia says one morning over breakfast. She's wearing a t-shirt that he's pretty sure he stole from Chuck, with Sara sitting on her lap messily sharing her cereal. 

It's a week before Thanksgiving. "Sweet," Darren says. "I booked the tickets to San Fran for Christmas yesterday, so that works out well." 

"You hear that, Monkey?" Julia wipes the milk from Sara's mouth. "Going to see Lola and Pop for Christmas!" 

Sara pumps both hands in the air, a gesture copied straight from her father. "Going on the bridge?" 

She's only just old enough to remember the trips they take once or twice a year. Darren grins and leans over, smacking against a somehow already once more damp cheek. He leans up and kisses Julia with milk smeared lips. Julia makes a noise of disgust and tries to duck away. "I hate you," she says. 

"Monkey, do you hear how mean Mommy's being?" Darren reaches out and grabs her, transferring her to his lap so Julia can actually eat. "Do you think she really hates me?" 

"I love you, Daddy," Sara says, blinking up at him with a sweet smile. 

"At least I got one girl." Darren sighs dramatically. 

"Oh, cry me a river." Julia rolls her eyes and reaches over to grab his cereal bowl, taking both of them over to the sink. 

* 

_You going to Clovis for Christmas?_ , Darren texts Chris. His phone is propped on the treadmill. 

He still prefers real jogging - outside, actually going somewhere, feeling the wind on his face. His knees aren't as much a fan though, especially not in the bitter early December cold. Too many long years dancing on sets and bouncing on stages. He's still got a little bit of tigger in him when he gets going, he just pays for it more later on. 

Chris responds quickly. Darren knew he would. Sometimes Chris goes hours without answering when he's in the zone writing, but Chris has been complaining about a block for days now. _Yeah. Shoot me._

Darren grins. _How about I meet you halfway and buy you lunch instead?_

There's a slightly longer pause. Darren's runs a little harder. 

_You'll be in SF?_ , Chris writes back. 

Darren slows to tap out a response. _Yeah, we'll be there the last week of December and the first week of January. We on?_

Less of a wait this time. It's a date. 

* 

It's almost two weeks later when Chris brings it up again. 

Darren's watching a movie with Julia while Sara runs around frantically playing, dancing, screeching, and generally proving that her energy is limitless (until it isn't and they find her passed out on any number of unlikely places). They're laying together, Julia with her back to his chest and her tablet in front of her while she ignores the movie. 

When his phone buzzes in his pocket, she jumps a little. "Shit," she says, laughing. 

"Sorry." He kisses the side of her head in apology and pulls his phone out. 

_I'm flying in the 22nd. 23rd for dinner?_

"Who is it?" She asks. His phone is in his hand, in plain view of her. He hands it to her to let her read it. She does, but doesn't understand it. "What?"

"I was waiting to hear back from him before I mentioned it, but - I might go meet Chris for lunch one day. He'll be near Fresno..." 

"That's three hours away," Julia points out. "Six round trip."

"Meeting him halfway, so only an hour and a half," Darren says. "But if you don't want me to..." 

Julia looks down at the screen again, then press his phone back into his hand. "No, you should go." 

"You sure?" His voice is low. It's not like Sara would understand even if she heard, but he still has this weird guilt complex about talking about Chris around her. 

She puts her tablet down and turns halfway in his arms, head on his shoulder. "I'm sure." 

He runs his fingers through her hair. It's darker, recently dyed, and it smells faintly of shampoo but mostly of nothing, just Julia. "Let me know if you change your mind. I'm not gonna sneak around on you." 

She smiles. "I know. You'd be too bad at it, anyway." 

"Hey," Darren protests. His hand slides from her hair down her back, under her shirt. "I could sneak if I wanted to." 

"You'd be the worst sneak ever, honey. Don't try to deny it. You couldn't keep a five year old's birthday present a secret. She can't even reach the low shelves and she still weaseled it out of you." 

"Well, she's got the power of cute on her side," Darren says. "And maybe you're right, but you're not ever gonna get the chance to prove it." 

"Good." She leans her head up for a kiss. "Keep it that way."


	10. Chapter 10

Idealism has always been Darren's downfall. Seeing the best in a situation, assuming everything will work out even when there's no reason that it should and all the decks are stacked against him. His fall from grace dulled it for a while but as his life took a turn his optimism found its footing again. If anything, he's more convinced now - nothing happens for a reason, and everyone gets their happy ending eventually. 

He knows logically that it can't be true for everyone, everywhere and he knows his ignorance toward anything but a pleasant outcome pisses some people the fuck off, the people that don't get the money and the opportunity and the family and essentially everything they wanted, people that want what Darren have and think he doesn't deserve it, people that probably really do deserve it more - he knows people hate him for how privileged he is, but it doesn't stop him from waking up every morning with a little part of him just whispering, yeah, man, this is gonna work. 

In the back of his mind somewhere, Darren has this fantasy about how things with Julia and Chris would work out. 

He fantasizes about Chris moving to Chicago and buying a house next door, or even living in their house. He imagines Sara treating Chris like a favorite uncle, loving him and adoring him. He imagines Chris and Julia as best friends - getting along, gossiping together, teaming up on him, ruling the whole fucking town with their combined drive and determination and brilliance. They rock his world down to it's foundations singularly. Together he wouldn't stand a chance. 

When he imagines Chris slotting into his life like that, it's so good that he aches with it. It makes his stomach twist and turn with a desperate want and more than once he thinks about sharing it with Julia, or with Chris. 

But he doesn't, because as much of a hopeful idiot as he is, he knows - he knows that's asking too much. 

* 

He sees Chris on Christmas eve. 

They eat together, not even really talking much. The food is gone quickly and when Darren asks if Chris wants to just drive around, Chris's relief is obvious. 

* 

"I got a present for you," Chris says, voice quiet. 

"Oh. I, um. I didn't get you anything, sorry man-" 

"No, it's fine." Chris sounds amused, not upset. "You're awful at buying presents anyway." 

"Hey!" Darren feigns offense, but he's more relieved that Chris's feelings aren't hurt. "Well, you're good at it." 

"I know." Chris sounds a little bit smug. "Park somewhere and I'll give you yours." 

Darren finds a little stretch of beach, not the picturesque kind. It's scraggly and deserted, trash sprinkled around in a way that shows no one really cares for the area. There's an area of worn grass where people clearly park, so Darren pulls in. 

The box Chris hands him is tiny and plain, black cardboard. Darren thumbs the top off and sees a key underneath it. 

"It's to my place," Chris says, watching Darren. 

Darren stares down at it. "Wow. Are you- what-" 

He has a sickening moment of fear that Chris is asking him to move. 

"For when you visit," Chris says. "For - for any time." 

The knot in Darren's gut dissipates. "So. Well. That's symbolic." 

Chris laughs sharply. "Yeah, I guess so. Look - we're... I don't know what we are. And I'm not... I'm not promising that I'm not going to see other people sometimes. But I'm done trying to pretend like... you won't always be more important than everyone else." Chris leans his head against the back of the carseat and then his hand is on the car door, unlocking it and pushing it open. "Come on. Let's walk." 

"What? Oh- okay-" Darren has to scramble to follow. 

Halfway to the water, Chris stops and turns to him. "I'm never going to love anyone else like I love you. Growing up, I thought that being in love meant - you find that person, you move in, you get married, that's it. I didn't realize all the ways that love could even go. And I'm not... you're happy, aren't you? With a wife and a kid. You love that. And I wouldn't. In my twenties, I might have tried - or even convinced myself I was happy like that. But I think I'm just... I'm happy on my own. I hated living with people, I always did. I got tired of other people in my face all the time. There were people I loved, I was so in love with, and living with them just ruined it for me. I saw too much of them all the time and it was awful. I hated feeling accountable to someone. I hated having someone ask where I was, and when. I felt suffocated every time, and I don't think it was because I just didn't love them enough. I think I just like being alone." 

Darren doesn't say anything. He's stunned silent by the outburst. This is Chris's show right now. 

He's had all these thoughts and ideas in his head, but clearly Chris has been doing some thinking too. 

"I want to live alone, and I _need_ you. I thought it would upset me to think of having to share you - I've spent months wondering when the other shoe would drop, and it hasn't. It hasn't at all. I think of you with her and I'm just... I'm relieved that it's not me, because I don't want a kid and a quiet life. This way I get to... to have you in a way that means I won't end up losing you." Chris's eyes are clear and blue and bright and beautiful, glassy as he blinks back tears just from the amount of feeling and emotion he's putting in what he's saying. "I think even if you did tell me you wanted to leave her and be with me, I would say no. But I still want you, and I want you in my life - I want you to have a place in my life. And, fuck, I want to be able to pick you up at the airport and kiss you and I want you to be the person I call when I'm sad or lonely or horny. I want all of that and I don't think this is the kind of situation that's supposed to end with everyone getting what they want, but I want to try." 

Darren has Chris's key in one hand and his car keys in the other. His hands are shaking slightly as he raises them both and hooks Chris's key onto the keyring. 

* 

The next week is a blur of Santa and presents and family. 

He and Julia talk. They talk a lot - long into the quiet hours of the night, ensconced in the room in his parents house that is theirs. They talk about their future, they talk about their pasts. They talk about Chris and how he'll fit into their lives. They talk about having a second baby. They talk about Darren's second album. They talk until talking fades into kissing and then they have slow, sweet, reaffirming sex. 

Darren wakes up his first morning back in Chicago with the cutest little Monkey in the world climbing into their bed. Julia grumbles sleepily beside him, and when he checks his phone there's a text Chris sent some time in the middle of the night that makes absolutely no sense. Ambien texting, definitely a habit Chris never lost. 

It makes Darren smile and he'll try to make something of it later. Chris won't be up until noon anyway. (He's still in Clovis, and he deals with being back in his parents house with a clever combination of altered sleep schedule and sudden "creative urges" that he's instructed his parents not to interrupt. Darren loves knowing these things again.)

"Back to sleep, minions," Julia orders, shuffling closer. 

Darren laughs, but more sleep sounds... just about perfect. He'll call his boyfriend when he wakes up, and then maybe hit the park with his wife and daughter. 

Maybe it's not exactly how he always envisioned it would go, but happy endings can come in many forms. Right now, he thinks his life is pretty good.


End file.
